Saturday, March 08, 2014

Cleaning Out My Brain

I've had lots of random thoughts this week. No one of them is worthy of an entire post, but if I don't get them out of my head I'll never have room for anything else!

The other day I met someone who guessed that I was 33 years old, "tops!" She asked me how I manage to look so young and I wanted to say, "I try to stay a little chubby, helps fill in the wrinkles." But instead I shrugged my shoulders and said thanks. Don't want to scare off the source of future ego boosts by revealing too much of my true personality.

I have Bizzaro World body image issues. I know that many people have real problems with scale/mirror dissonance that cause them much anxiety. My problems swing the other way. I genuinely think I look great all the time. My mental image is fabulous, and then I see a candid picture or catch my reflection as I walk by a mirror and think, "Who IS that?! That can't be me, I'm WAY better looking." My anxiety comes when I'm faced with the reality of my unhealthy BMI and wonder when that extra chin (or two) arrived.

I wish I could be funny on command instead of in response... then I could choose more appropriate times to crack a joke. If I could pick one friend's humor to emulate it would be Kasey. She's a riot and I laugh without ceasing in her presence.

My husband has been reminding me lately that conservatives are interested in conserving things while progressives are interested in progress. While I care very little for political passions, I don't really get the focus of the conservative agenda. It seems like they put a lot of energy into conserving things that are already gone or are on the way out. If I was going to pick some things to stick around forever I'd choose differently.

I love a full house and all the noise it brings. We had (another) snow day this week and the kids had friends and cousins sleep over. I once again witnessed this truth: when there are a lot of kids in one place they ALL TALK AT THE SAME TIME!! LOUDLY!! They all ask me questions at the same time. They all move at the same time. And I love it. I couldn't do it 24/7, but I'm happy for the noise of a full house.

If I was going to write about the last year of my life it would sound a lot like this. I like that Jamie doesn't care about what other people think of her... or maybe she does and she's just braver than I am. It's hard to put it all into words but I will say that I'm forever thankful that Jesus was there to get me through while I was waiting for the drugs to get me better... and he's still here to keep me going.

I have been more productive in the last two months than in the previous 12 months combined.

My brain feels lighter! Lots of room for more random thoughts!


  1. I love you!

    I loved spending my high school weekends in your full house, and it makes me smile to think of it being full with these kids now :-)

    And I love having my house full

  2. Oh, and I really so think you look awesome all the time duh

  3. Thanks for sharing Jamie's post and your struggles with depression. I too have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was in elementary school. I continue to struggle with it every day! If you ever need someone to listen, let me know! :)

    1. Thanks Lindsey. I really appreciate it. Just knowing I'm not alone has made all the difference this last year.

  4. I too,have anxiety,And I too,have woken up in the morning and looking in the mirror and said No way what happen while I was sleeping!:)
    Your right Its not accurate!

  5. I love you and am happy that you have been getting better. It's amazing the things that slowly creep into our lives and become "normal." I'm glad you are realizing a new normal that is way better than what you were dealing with before.


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